Tuesday, April 15, 2014

The Humblebrag Rant and a Confession

If you never want people to know what you think or read what you write, start a blog. Nobody will ever read your blog. Yes, I'm whining that very few people I know read my blog. But it pisses me off because they always want me to support whatever they're doing.

OK. Seriously. I'm not really pissed about my blog readership. I do have a few regulars and I love y'all. I really do. I see you in my hit logs every time I post and you folks make me feel good. So thank you. It's my closest friends and family who NEVER read while I'm kinda salty with. They always want me to support their latest fly-by-night venture while I've been doing this for damned near 8 years now (accidental humblebrag).

So before I get all full of myself, let m get to what I really came to say today:

I should have probably told y'all a long time ago. Some of my closest friends already know, but it's time I came out and just let ya'll know: I'm fat. My dating profile says BBW and every letter is true.

I've been fat for a while now. Like 20 years. And honestly, I don't give a crap. I'm not just saying that. I'm not on a program. I'm not dieting. I'm not watching my carbs. I'm not juicing. I'm not on anybody's diet pills. I eat what I want, when I want, pretty much when I'm hungry.

Furthermore, I don't want anyone's unsolicited health advice. I laugh in the face of moral judgments about my weight. Like I'm "good" when I'm eating a salad and "bad" when I'm eating a cheese coney.

I'm happy. I'm dating someone. I love my life. I'm not a kid anymore and I'm much bigger than I was in high school. My blood pressure, cholesterol levels are fine. I'm not pre-diabetic. My last colonoscopy was fine for the people who really are that far up my ass.

I just wanted you to know.

And now for the humblebrag rant:

To Ex-Ye Old Matey, who called me with his humblebrag that he's lost so much weight that he can wrap his belt around him three times and none of his old clothes don't fit and can I give him some advice on where to buy some inexpensive clothes to wear for College Arabella's graduation....I'm going to tell you what I should have told you the day I awkwardly hugged you and tearfully sent you off to Atlanta (they weren't tears of sadness, they were tears of relief): Fuck off.

You left me with our unpaid bills and the fallout from your aging rockstar dreams. You left me with the weight of all our relationship angst and the weight of never calling or contacting the kid we raised together. You left me with the weight of your family who doesn't understand why I made you move out and a lot of our mutual friends who think everything was "my fault."

You may have lost some poundage but there's still some weight you need to deal with old friend of mine.

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders just writing this. Now I'm gonna go have a McGriddle and take my ass to work.

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