Tuesday, May 01, 2012

The Bible For Dummies as Written by That Deborah Girl

I came across an article on Fark.com today where a man tried to sacrifice his son. In response to his misguided attempt to follow God, I though I'd write a short synopsis of the bible, after which it should be clear that we don't need to do shit like this anymore.


Old Testament

God, two people and a snake are walking around a Garden....

Noah gets drunk a lot- still has time to build a boat and save mankind

Sex can be a dangerous thing and comes into question. Sometimes God will let you have sex with your wife's handmaiden and not really get mad (He's not really consistent on the sex thing)- the result is a millenia of world conflict and people still blowing themselves up over the result of handmaiden sex thousands of years later.

It's ok to beat your children, woman and slaves if you can get them.

It's ok to drive a tent peg through a man's head if you're fighting on God's team and you're named Deborah (yay!) They will tell the story then write a song about it. Women are totally badass in the Bible. They're just not allowed to do shit anywhere else.

God tests people a lot. God will let Satan kill off your women, children and slaves just to prove a point. He will let you alone if you love Him more than your women, children and slaves. If God tells you to sacrifice your kid - he doesn't really mean it. He's just testing your faith but HE DOESN'T REALLY MEAN IT SO STOP ALREADY. But if God says you're gonna have a baby, then for heavens sake believe him - you could save the suicide bomber clean up team a lot of trouble later.

Sex is bad. Very bad. People who are so evil as to want to have sex with angels and not virgins DO NOT deserve sex. Bad people. Sodom and Gomorrah get wiped off the map.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility: so many of the greats on God's team get caught up on a technicalities or get their heads turned by pretty women: Moses, Sampson, David, Abram/Abraham, Jonah, Job, Judas. Remember: If God tells you to kill your kid, DON'T DO IT. THIS IS ONLY A TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BIBLICAL BROADCAST SYSTEM.THIS IS ONLY A TEST. Otherwise, if God gives you a job to do, just go do it. If you don't and you find yourself in a pool of whale vomit, it's your own damned fault.


Sex is good again.. If you're black and king and taking sexy back, then you can write a whole book about all the ways you got off and have it put in the Bible itself.

Proverbs is like the Dear Abby of the bible. My favorite verse is: Withdraw thy foot from they neighbor's house lest he weary of thee and hate thee. So very practical.

A bunch of prophets predict that Jesus is coming.



New Testament

Remember all those prophets predicting Jesus is gonna show up? Well, in the second half, He does. The second half, which isn't really half because it's way shorter, is all about Jesus, people learning not to have sex so much and other new rules for living together and winds up with a dandy little glimpse of a supernatural apocalypse.

Jesus is the coolest, nicest most perfect guy ever. All the other kids in the pumped up kicks don't like cool, nice perfect guys unless they're George Clooney. Jesus was way ahead of his time and gets Crucified which is a fucked up, horrific way to die.

Jesus dies but three days later He gets back up. This proves that not only is He God but that eventually He is gonna totally kick Satan's ass for good. Eventually. In the meantime, He spends most of his time walking around, chilling with people and after around 40 days He flies off up to heaven saying one day He'll back. Kinda like Frosty the Snowman - we don't know when, we don't know where - but eventually He will show up. And when He comes back He will have the Sword of Godric Gryffindor with Him. There will be a sorting. Lake of fire for some, Kings Cross Station for the others.

Sex is officially bad again. In a landmark biblical decision, sex outside marriage is just plain sin and sex in marriage is only preferrable to hell-fire but really we'd all be better off if we just didn't notice our naughty bits at all.

God wipes out nearly everything He said in the first half of the book. No more sacrifices because Jesus on the Cross was the "Last Sacrifice" (the guy who tried to sacrifice his kid - he really shoulda read that part). All those other rules still count but there are two new rules that trump all the other rules.

Love God more than anything
Love everyone else as much as you love yourself

The moral of the story: What the world needs now is love sweet love, it's the only thing there's just too little of.

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